Birthday Roll Call; Dear: Rain

Birthday Roll Call
Happy (dead) Birthday to the 4th President of this great nation, James Madison.  You'd be 260 years old today, Jemmie (what his friends called him).  This guy was the littlest President in history, weighing in at a whopping 100 pounds and standing around five feet, four inches tall.  A pretty dimunitive leader.  He made an astounding $25,000 a year when he was in office.  Happy Birthday to the guy who said "I always talk better lying down" on his deathbed.

Blake Griffin is 22-years old today.  Imagine being that talented at such a young age.  The dude's a man-child.  Here's a list of some of his accomplishments in the NBA - 2011 Slam Dunk Champ, 2011 All-Star, regular on ESPN's Top Plays.  In college, he was the 2009 Big 12 Player of the Year, 2009 Naismith College Player of the Year, 2009 AP National Player of the Year, 2009 Oscar Robertson Trophy, and the 2009 Adolph Rupp Trophy.  Those might not mean a lot to a non-basketball fan (like myself) but if you watch this kid play, he's an absolute beast.  Happy Birthday!


Dear Rain,

Just when I thought the precipitation would end for a few days, just a few days, you dump a few inches of rain on us.  At least you had the decency to bring it overnight. 

I am not a fan of your little brother snow either, but him I can tolerate.  It doesn't get me soaking wet when I step outside.  The only advantage you have is that when you're around, the weather is typically a little warmer.  Today though, it's only about 37° out there, so you're on the fence.

Sure, they've said you bring May flowers, but it's not even April, so why the hell did you decide to arrive early?

Anyway, I digress.

I appreciate what you're trying to do - green up the grass and clean the cars.  I am just glad I'm living in NY and not in Henderson Lake, British Columbia, which averages 256" of rain a year.  In Guadeloupe, Caribbean Islands, 1.5" of rain once fell in one minute - a record.  We only get around 42" of rain a  year here, so I won't bitch too much.

Anyways, you're supposed to be outta here by noon, so I can't get on you too much.  But do me a favor, rain when it's convenient for me - like during the overnight hours.  I don't drive too far to work, so I am not concerned with the toll you take on traffic, but ease up on them too.

We got a game today over at Seton Hall in South Orange, NJ at 3:30 pm.  They got turf, so I hope you don't factor in to the game.

Here's to staying dry.

Love,

Ryan

Dear: Home Plate

It seems to me that you've been pulling a disappearing act when my pitcher's are on the mound.  It is quite frustrating for me, as a coach, to deal with.

To me, you look like you've always looked - a five-sided slab of white rubber with black outline, commonly referred to as "the black".  You're 17" across, but to my guys I think you've been shrinking to around 12"?  Maybe.


From what I remember (and from the rule book) you're 60'6" from the pitching rubber, but again, I think sometimes you scoot back a bit, to somewhere in the vicinity of 62'?  Maybe?

Either way, I would like to get through one game without you disappearing at least 8 times (we're averaging 10 free passes a game, between BB's and HBP's).

I've broken a clipboard and a stopwatch, and we're only 4 games into the year.

I guess I need to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to teach pitchers - college pitchers - to throw strikes.  Because when these guys were in high school, they didn't seem to have this problem.  That's why we wanted them to play for us.

Oh well, enough blabbering.  We have four more games this weekend down in Rock Hill, SC.  Winthrop twice and Notre Dame twice.

Pray we don't walk the park and that you, home plate, decide to keep your shape and size the entire weekend.

Dear Kiss 105.3 KISS-FM (Ottawa)

Ottawa 105.3 - I understand one of your teams best and most well-liked players was traded to the home of country music, Nashville, but blaming Carrie Underwood for this trade is ludicrous - he moved bitch, get out the way.

By saying you're banning her songs on your station might have been a joke, but it's downright ridiculous.  I just scrolled through an on-air playlist and couldn't find one country song.  Needless to say, my wife and I will never be coming to Ottawa because she's a huge Carrie fan and you banning her music makes your city banned from our travels.

Maybe it is coincidental that he got traded to Nashville, where Carrie currently resides.  Why in the hell would they build a house in Ottawa if they planned all along to move to Nashville?  Maybe your team is just trying to clean house and start fresh, seeing how they are the second worst team in the NHL.  He was the leading goal scorer on your team? 

And you're blaming a country music star?  Get real.  Maybe the next step is getting rid of the arena in favor of playing on the Rideau Canal when it's frozen.

Oh yeah, and your radio station sucks!

Dear: Bacon

First, I want to thank the pigs.  Without them, none of this would be possible.

You make everything not only taste better, but smell better too. 

I enjoy chopping you in to little squares and throwing you in the frying pan for 6 to 7 minutes, taking you out and letting you rest on a bed of paper towels, and sporadically eating you piece by crunchy piece, before I use you as a topping to my dinner.

I enjoy the way you compliment two eggs, a slice of American cheese, and some dashes of hot sauce on a soft roll as a breakfast sandwich.

Hell, even Nathans favorite treat is shaped like little strips of bacon.

You are everything a food should be and I hope you never change.  (except for maybe lowering the price a little bit)

Thanks.  (and send free bacon)

Sincerely,

Ryan

Dear: Lady Who Uses Elevator To Go One Flight

I've said it before and I'll say it again - USE THE STAIRS!!

Is it really necessary to use the elevator to travel up one flight of stairs?  If my math is correct, aren't floors roughly ten feet apart?

You got on the elevator on the first floor and didn't know where the button was for the second floor.  Are you blind?  And even if you are, there is braille on the numbers so you do know.  And if you're not, chances are it's somewhere near the bottom of the panel, just like every other elevator in the world.

And please, don't look up like you're surprised you're on the first floor when you get in.  You're not fooling anyone, especially me.

If you've got a disability, then fine, take the elevator one flight.  But if you willingly and ably walk in between those closing doors by the power of your own two legs, do not take it one flight.

Take after me - if I get on the elevator and another person is getting off a floor from where I'm going (especially if it's past my destination), I use the stairs. 

Here's the example:  Me and Joe Schmo get on on Floor 1.  He presses his destination, Floor 9, before I get to push my destination, Floor 8.  Instead of slowing down the process for Joe Schmo, I get off on Floor 9 and walk down a flight to Floor 8.  Painless, and I even got in some exercise.

I am not tooting my own horn, but laziness is killing this country.  Get off your ass (and the elevator) and walk up or down a flight.

And while I'm at it, tell your friend the "parking lot stalker" to park a little farther away and walk a few more steps.  It ain't gonna kill her.

Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins.

Have a great day.

Dear: Hunter Boots

With the winter being so unpredictable here in the Northeast, I invested in another pair of winter boots.  Yes, I'll admit to you about having a pair of Timberland boots for the snow that are ridiculously comfortable (unless I wear ankle socks) and waterproof, to boot (haha).  After watching my wife walk right through puddles large and small alike and trudge through giant snow banks, I became jealous.

Hunter Boots were on my radar.

My wife has a pair of tall purple boots from your company.  I was not about to get a pair of purple tall boots.  I just wanted to be able to walk through puddles and more than 8" of snow without worrying if my socks and feet were going to get soaking wet.

I knew, after doing extensive research, that the men's original short boot was the best choice for me.  I didn't need a giant knee-high boot to walk around in, I just wanted to be able to walk through puddles.  I can't speak for other cities, but here in NYC, street corners generally turn into small ponds once the snow begins to melt.  Small, gross, murky, dirty-water ponds.

Thanks to your boots - which are now my boots - I no longer have to jump over these puddles.  I tried it once with the Timberland boots on (jumping, that is) and my cell phone came out of my pocket and cracked.

My one knock is that the damn socks for inside the boots are $35.  Really?  Crew socks are working just fine for me because I refuse to spend $35 on a single pair of socks.  Can't you just add a little bit of insulation to the boots?  I mean you charge enough.

I know there are plenty of companies that manufacture similar boots, but after buying Lindsay a pair a while back, I was always secretly envious of her water-walking ability.

In closing, I may look like I'm going fishing or farming while wearing the boots, but I'm certain that my feet will not get wet.

Thanks, and keep the puddles coming.

Dear: Post Cereal

As I was eating a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats - Almond, Lindsay looked at me and said "cereal is awesome".  I couldn't agree with her more.

The selection of cereal Post puts out in mind blowingly excellent.  Below, I will list several of the cereals you allow me and my fellow civilians to consume. 

I am not your typical cereal enthusiast - I love cereal.  I get after cereal.  On average, I get four bowls of cereal per 16 oz. box.  I know that's not the serving size based on the daily recommended allowance or whatever the hell they call it.  I can care less.  And the people at Post should thank me for my gluttony towards the brand - the more I eat, the more I buy.  A big thanks to Costco for selling them in bulk for a great price - $7.70 for 48 ounces of goodness.

Here's a run-down of some of the cereals you make me crave:
1. Honey Bunches of Oats - Awesome!  Those clusters of oats and honey and those delicate little flakes that somehow hold up to the milk so well are a match made in heaven.
2. grape-nuts - My inner bird comes out when eating this pebble-like cereal.  Not sure how many people eat them - I eat them on occasion - but the texture makes it almost a challenge to eat without breaking my teeth.  Challenge accepted.  I love barley!  The only problem is the damn box is so small - either that or the cereal itself just takes up too little space.
3. Raisin Bran - Two scoops?  You can easily get away with three or four.  Only issue I have with you is the raisins sink to the bottom of the bowl, so it's a fruity fiesta at the bottom of the bowl.  The flakes are sweet enough but aren't overpowered by the sweetness of the raisins. 
4. Alpha Bits - Although I haven't bought a box of Alpha Bits for some time, I remember the simple letters coated in a light frost that were awesome to eat.  The milk gets a little sweeter and by the time comes to drink the milk, it's perfect.  And you can spell out words and things like that - I mean if you're like 8 or 9 years old.
5. Golden Crisp - That stunning gold box has a way of attracting kids and adults alike.  It's shiny and what's inside in pure gold(en).  And that damn Sugar Bear has a knack for making these things look so good.  And they really are.  Very sweet, but when eaten in moderation, they're delicious.  If you want to talk about longevity, this is the gold standard - they've been around for over 50 years.  Here's to another 50.
6.  Cocoa Pebbles -  If you are craving a chocolate fix, this is your box of cereal.  Chocolate milk awaits you after you've devoured all these perfect chocolate rice puffs?  I'm not even sure what the hell they actually are, but I don't care.  If they're good enough for Fred Flintstone, they're good enough for us.

In closing, I just want to thank you for putting out healthy and tasty cereal for the past 50+ years.  I hope you cut the crap with the Cupcake Pebbles, but I guess little kids need something too. 

Keep churning out the goodness, and on behalf of all the civilians eating your cereals every day, thanks!

Dear:

Behold the new weekly installment, Dear:, written every Wednesday on the Wednesday.  This is an idea that originally came from a novel written by Jason F. Wright called The Wednesday Letters.  I will let the website explain what the novel entails, but in short, it's a story of a husband who through the course of their marriage (39 years) wrote his wife a letter every Wednesday until the day he passed away.

I, in fact, do this very same thing with Lindsay, but we refer to it as the "Tuesday Letters" - she even has a wooden box with "Tuesday Letters" engraved on it for storage of said letters.  Every Tuesday (I try) to write her a little note - sometimes lengthy, sometimes just a few words - letting her know how I feel towards her.  Sometimes I just try to make her laugh, sometimes it's more serious, sometimes I pretend it's from Nathan.  Regardless, it makes her smile and it's just a little something I do for her (besides cook).

So later today, I will begin with the first installment of Dear:.  It isn't going to be a love letter - it'll be a letter to something totally random.  Plain and simple.  Just like me.  I hope you get a kick out of it, as I am sure I will have some fun writing these letters.  And maybe you don't read it, who am I to judge you.  Maybe you yourself will start your own version of my "Tuesday Letters".  Then again, maybe you won't.

Stay tuned!!